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September 12 Cash or credit?I had a craving for Swiss Chalet the other day. I have no issue with sittig in a restaurant by myself, which interestingly enough I hear some people do, so I went and ordered up some grub. At the end of the meal the waitress came to my table and said "Will that be all on one bill?"
Sadly, my attempts to send the bill to the people at the next table didn't work.
However, it did cause me to think that in life we often try to consolidate meaning into one thing. Put all our eggs in one basket. Define ourselves with one image. Guess I've fallen into that trap too. Problem is when you over identify with one thing it eats your soul away if you lose that thing.
For that reason I am delighted to say I've got a new job! I'll be moving to a new town and starting a new role. Leave the old toxic relationships behind and build something new and fresh. I'm excited to embark on something that is forward moving. It sets me up for my future career and brings new possibilities for my personal life.
Ah, it feels good to breathe again. And yes, that will all be on one bill.
May 02 TabooI played Taboo with my kis this weekend. It's a game where you try to get someone to guess a word, while avoiding a list of certain dead give-aways.
Daughter: "You think you have this."
Me: "?? Hair??"
In the end it turned out the word was "humour."
Damn chillens. April 25 Once Upon a TimeGod my writing of late has been dark. You know, I used to be kind of funny. Like the story about my daughter taking her time coming to the dinner table. Or the You Tube Fairy Tale, Glad Man Porn incident, or conversations with telemarketers.
I really need to start being interesting again! April 23 FrustratingNothing in life irks me more than having my integrity called into question. I make it a point to live by the adage say what you mean and mean what you say. (Which is what makes it possible for me to blog like this). I don't care what you were told, I don't care what the computer says, I don't care what misconception is being circulated. If you have something to say, say it to me. And if I have something to say that's worth saying, I will say it to you. But don't make the mistake of suggesting I'm not telling the truth. Then the only person in the wrong will be you. And me... well I'll just be plain sad about it. April 22 StrengthIt takes great strength to hold on. It takes even more strength to let go.
I am finally letting go. Kicking and screaming, but still letting go. Lock DownLast night I played around with my blog settings and discovered that in their infinite wisdom Windows Live have changed how the "permissions" section works. I played around with it and have been advised that I locked several people out of the blog. Of late I've had qute a few friends following my writing (wow you guys have nothing better to do?). Not a great way to pad the page-read statistics!
Turns out I've royally pissed a certain somebody off with it. But you know what, I'm not going to apologize. If this is what gets your goat then you need to work out your priorities. I'm done with the high school thing. It just makes me feel stupid for trying to trust again. April 21 It is what it isLiving alone again has an interesting dimension to it. Like the fact I've eaten nearly all my meals with chopsticks lately. Or saying "Fuck it" to the dishes in the sink (oh hell, who am I kidding, I've become a cleaning Nazi. But I *could* say it if I wanted to!). Or liking the ugly mirror. Or eating all the beans I want. Or keeping a pile of papers undisturbed. Oh, and not having the glass I was using put in the dishwasher.
It's too bad all these things have absolutely no importance whatsoever.
On the upswing, I've had opportunity to apologize to some people I've ditched in the last year (you know who you are), and to rebuild some friendships. This is good. Now if I can just figure out the rest of life, I'd be all set.
I've recently been criticized for my writing style... "referring to yourself in the third person all the time is really unhealthy." I couldn't figure that comment out for a long time until I realzed most of this blog is written in the third... Jimmy this and Jimmy that. Well, style is style and this blog is entirely meant to be entertainment for myself. Sue me if that's the way my sense of humour comes out. April 10 Guess what, mom!Today I told my mom I'm gay.
Not sure what I expected, but I was cautious knowing she was a particularly conservative woman once upon a time. Seems she has liberalized a bit since then, though, seeing as how I got a hug and a "you're still my son" and a listening ear about my heartache.
She was quite prepared to accept D, as a matter of fact. I'm sad that she doesn't have the opportunity to do so now. I know she liked him a lot, said so again today, and given time she would have loved him like her own.
Speaking of that whole scenario, I am actually feeling very good these days. I've gone from acute crisis to a slow-burning disappointment in the whole thing. It still punches me in the gut totally out of the blue from time to time, but at least it's not beating me constantly like it was.
Why is relating to people so hard? Why do we make things so difficult for ourselves? (Rhetorical questions here, people...). All I can do is focus on me and just let that scene fall into place on its own. One thing I do know is I am done with love. I've seen that either (a) it just isn't enough to make some things work; or (b) what we think is love really is not. I never used to worry about issues of compatibility, but in this case it's like fitting a Mac and a PC together. They both work fine, but they don't communicate very well.
It's all very sad, that is what it is. Especially to think that some day (if things don't work out) we will just be two people who dated once upon a time. And to think I was (and perhaps still am) willing to give my life over to him out of love. It's impossible for me to fathom that reality. But alas, as far as I can figure, I am not needed. And that in and of itself should really be the only answer I need. April 04 The Up-and-DownI know it's a cliche, but I miss him like the air I breathe.
I miss his wisdom and his strength. I miss his conversation. I miss the comfort of being near him. I miss how he smells. I miss the thought of camping, of barbequing in the summer, and of sitting on the couch beside him petting the dog. I miss the power walks and the sound of that damn exercise maching in the bedroom. I miss belonging to him.
Sure, there are lots of things I won't miss too. But that's not what's caught up in the grief I feel. I cried when my father died, but I never cried like this. I have never in all my days felt grief like this. And I grieve all the more as we try to extricate ourselves away from one another. I feel like I don't belong anywhere, like I've lost my home. The meaning I created in my life was in part a reflection of his impact on me. And now that influence is missing. And to top it off, I don't think he grieves my absence at all.
That's the up-and-down of this whole process, because at the same time I feel like we made the right decision. I feel stronger than I did. I feel like life has things waiting for me. I don't want to let go, but I am. Why does it have to be this way? It's not what I want, but it's what I have to have. April 03 OuchI just discovered that being deleted from Facebook feels almost as bad as being dumped. I imagine I got blocked from MSN too.
*sigh* Turning on the SwitchIn my 38 years I have amassed a small amount of wisdom that has seen me through a lot of life-shaping experiences. It's a life-acuity not unlike my ability to play the piano... a skill practiced. It has provided for my success at work and in life. My life-IQ, if that makes sense.
I forgot my wisdom for a while. Misplaced my skill, dropped a few points in the 'ole IQ. Today I remembered what I forgot. I found my confidence, turned on my heart again. I'm not sure what possessed me to turn it off in the first place. Well, I do actually. It was a hope for something I had been waiting on for a long time. The hope was so important to me that it seemed ok to turn other things off.
Thankfully this was a short term amnesia. And in recovering the memory, I have found the kernel of happiness I thought I lost. Suddenly I realize everything is going to be just fine. And that's a relief.
The funny part of this analogy is that my *real* short term memory is worse than it's ever been! Ha! Don't hand me your keys and expect me to remember what I do with 'em. April 01 DysthymiaI have Dysthymia.
There, I said it. I don't tend to talk about it very much, but it is my reality. It only affects about 4% of the population (lucky me). No one has ever asked me "what is it like?" though I'm not sure if that is because they don't care or they just don't know what the hell it is. Simply put, it's like having a down day every day of your life.
I have a story that helps explain it...
I just got back from Mexico 2 1/2 weeks ago. My favourite part was a side trip we made to a place called Akumal where we snorkeled in the most beautiful lagoon on earth, with water in some places as warm as bathwater, and fish of the brightest colours swimming everywhere.
 The thing is, I wear glasses. I am blind as a bat without them. So imagine me with my super-snorkeler goggles, sans lunettes, floating around with a veritable buffet of visual beauty around me.
But I couldn't see it.
I could see some shapes, the occasional vibrant flash of colour, and movement. But I couldn't see the gorgeous tropical fish you can see in the picture. What I experienced was just a small cross section of the reality.
That's exactly what dysthymia is like. Everything is just a little duller, just a little less robust, just a little more two dimensional. A good day for me is likely a mediocre day for you. A bad day for me is probably something you don't want to think about. Such is my reality, and of course I am working at overcoming it. But it gets worse as I get older, and there's no cure for it. It costs me a lot. In fact it cost me one of the most important relationships of my life.
Now, without that relationship, things are not just dull, they are grey. They are not just less robust, they are anemic. They are not just two dimensional, they're one dimensional. And really, who would want to be around that? No one. Not even me. March 25 A New JourneyThey say that life brings you the same lessons over and over until you finally learn them. With the number of times I have "started over" in life, you'd think I'd have learned the lesson by now: I started over when I went to university; when I got married; when I moved to Toronto; when my marriage ended; when I moved to Moncton; when I met D.
But apparently I haven't learned the lesson yet, for I find myself once again starting over.
I realize that I am being required to learn two lessons. One is to learn to be strong in myself, enough that I could be in or out of a relationship and would still be happy. The second is how to forgive.
The second lesson is one that I've just realized in the past fifteen minutes. It hit me that I carry way too much resentment around with me. I used to think I was really good at it, so it is surprising that I'm not.
Dumbass universe! March 16 Things I learnedToday I learned that:...
September 24 AwwwI know I am loved. And I am in love. And all you readers out there may now excuse yourself to barf if you want, but it's true. :-P
Thank you baby.
Your Jimmy <3 September 17 ForgivenessSometimes you just gotta forgive a guy for doing the best he can. It's my new mantra.
I wanted to write this entry about certain friends and loved ones (and if you think I'm writing about you, I'm actually writing about at least three people). I was fully prepared to go on for a bit about the fact they need to put their big girl panties on and move forward. My intent was a fine mixture of complaint with some good, old-fashioned, arm-crossed pouting. A good wallow in the idea that none of them really understand me, despite their constant claims that they do.
Truth is, though, that I just see reflected in them a behaviour in myself that I am working to change... namely, holding on to a grudge or hurt. You know how someone does or says something that hurts you and leaves you feeling really misunderstood? You pick it up like a Rubix Cube and turn it over and over, looking at all kinds of angles and re-living the precipitating words or actions that hurt in the first place. That's a grudge. And when we start reliving something painful, holding a grudge, we need to realize WE are the one's hurting ourselves.
It's basic cost analysis. If something costs more to make than its end value, then it fails the cost analysis. I'm realizing that if it takes more energy to process my hurt than the value of the finished, processed thought, then I'm just hurting myself. And I make the committment here and now to choose forgiveness instead of a grudge.
Forgiveness is a choice to let go of a feeling. Notice the two key words: choice and feeling. Sure, sometimes we have flare-up reactions over something. That's when we need to give ourselves a little space before we can truly let go of a feeling. After all, you can't just tell yourself your toe doesn't hurt after you stub it, but you can certainly stop squeezing it once the flash of pain subsides. Very quickly we can choose to stop letting that feeling dictate to us how we're behaving.
Forgiveness doesn't always mean you understand, or condone, or minimize or dismiss the wrong (or perceived wrong) against you. It might not even mean letting the other person off the hook for what they did or said. But it does mean making a choice that I can still hug you, smile at you, talk to you, and run to you instead of away from you. It means I can remind myself you're doing the best you can.
And sometimes you just have to forgive a guy for doing the best he can. SometimesYou know, sometimes I don't understand you because you won't let me. September 10 Gimme a lifejacket and a PaddleJIMMY JUST WON THE PERFORMANCE CRUISE AT WORK, PEOPLE!!! WOOOOO HOOOOOO!!!!!
Yes, I am so excited. So why I keep thinking "wow I really fooled them"??
Sigh, it can suck to be an emotional driven person sometimes.
BUT I'M STILL EXCITED!!!! :-) September 03 Communication 101It is so apparent that human communication is fraught with pitfalls. Kind of like... what I said is not what you heard, and what I said isn't really what I meant anyway. Friends and family and loved ones have helped me to see this so clearly.
Case in point, a conversation with my Beloved:
Me: Reading my blog must kill you.
Beloved: Why do you say that?
Me: Because you would take what I wrote and break it down and try to figure out every little nuance of what it means.
Beloved: Pretty much.
As he reads over my shoulder I giggle a little on the inside (don't stop rubbing my shoulders, by the way, sweetie) because really it's funny what we do to ourselves. I just love you, plain and simple. I am not sure what compulsion exists inside each of us that makes it so complicated. Oh wait, I know what it is. It's called being human.
So an interesting lesson over the past few weeks. When I stated above "friends and family and loved ones" I meant that quite literally since my communication with all three categories has been bumpy lately. At first I thought "they" were just all insane, but then I realized it's just overcoming the fact that we can't read each others' minds. And yes, it's really quite worth it to work my way through it all. I think that's why I love blogging so much. I can just write and write and figure out what the hell I am trying to say just through the exercise of writing.
I miss it, I shall have to start writing more.
Hope you are all well in blog land! Talk to you soon! |
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