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09 septiembre Dealing with TelemarketersI went to bed around 7:00 or so this morning. My blissful afternoon nap was interrupted several times by a ringing phone. Most of the callers were telemarketers. Or, as I like to refer to them, the Handmaidens of the Apololypse." This is how I plan to handle the next sales call I receive:
Hello, Mr Jimmy, I am calling to offer you an exciting new auto accident insurance.
Oh really? Well I don't own a car, so I am not interested.
Oh that's ok! You don't need a car. It will protect you, your spouse and your children no matter whose car you are in. Do you have a spouse?
Well I used to until she fell down the stairs and died.
Oh how awful for you! Imagine if you had the insurance at that time!
Yeah really. Well, she didn't really *fall* down the stairs. I kind of pushed her and she died. And now that you mention it, the insurance money would have been an added bonus. And she didn't really *die* she just kinda went into a coma. You know what, sign me up. I'll push her down the stairs again and cash in.
(Stunned pause, considering whether to take the sale or call the police. Opts for self preservation and pursues the sale). OK, well let me get some details from you.
Wait now, I better think about this. Does it come in pink? I only want it if it comes in pink. That is very important to me.
Um, pink? Sir, this is an insurance policy.
Yes I know. But pink is harder to track back to me.
Track back?
Don't you watch CSI? Really, I mean when was the last time you saw Grissom using his little black light to forensically analyze something pink? You know those insurance companies have lots of forensic accountants.
Hmmm. Riiiight.Well, maybe I could have it sent to you on pink paper.
Perfect. OK, so just one last thing. I need your full name and address.
WHAT? Why?
Well listen, honey, you know my secret plan. You don't really think I can let you tell other people do you?
(PAUSE)
>CLICK<
>BUZZZZZZZZ<
Post script: of course none of this is true. I would never push her down the stairs. Maybe attempt it telepathically, but never with my hands.
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